Adaptation
I woke up with stinkin' thinkin' in my head. “Ugh, still broken.” Sadness hit my heart as I lay there, eyes closed, fighting back tears. It had been a long while since I cried over all that had happened and didn't have a clue why this morning was any different than any of the others. I took a deep breath and did my best to change my focus. It took a minute or two and some cuddles from the cat but, I pulled up the boot straps and kicked that stinkin' thinkin' to the proverbial curb. There was a long period of my on-going recovery when I couldn't have done that.
Growth takes time. Grief takes time. After the brain tumor was removed, and my journey with cancer started I struggled. I mean STRUGGLED over all of it. I faked joy in the funniest way I could because humor camouflages nearly everything. God forbid I admit the sheer terror I felt. My entire life had been spent being strong and fearless. I thought that was all over and a depression that I had never experienced set in. I was ashamed.
I had to learn that shaming myself over a situation completely out of my control was ridiculous and self destructive. A curse of the over-achiever, I tore myself up for the longest time for getting a brain tumor. Silly, huh? Hey, I did want to be a brain surgeon when I was four! As much as my conscious mind knows better, deep inside I still battle negative feelings about the tumor, the effect it left on my body and the challenges I am forced to face...daily. I'd like to say I'm getting used to things but that's not really it. It's about finding a way to adapt. Life is still life after all and isn't living all about adapting to any given situation?
