Invisible Scars

“It’s been a year (and a half), I should be better by now!” I wish I had a nickle for every time I’ve thought that in a frustrating moment or said it in a rage. It doesn’t matter how many doctors or counselors tell me it takes time to heal from a traumatic brain event, such as a brain tumor and cancer as in my case, I am me and stronger than most. I should be back in prime form by now. I struggle every moment of every hour of every day to understand.

Patience has never been my forte, anymore than being dependent is my life goal. Going into this whole thing, there was nowhere near full disclosure from my medical team. No one ever mentioned paralysis or mental illness, although one did mention in passing that it was life-changing surgery. No alternative to surgery was ever discussed. If I had it all to do over again, which I don’t, I would ask FAR more questions...but the fear created by the statement, “You have a brain tumor,” is consuming. I trusted the experts.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I believe my life was saved but at what cost? If it was just me, I could deal better I think, but when my partner says to me in an argument, “It’s been a year and a half, this should be easier by now,” I feel my heart rip from my chest, the self loathing kicks in and things go to crap. Thoughts creep in and I regret doing what saved my life. The lasting side effects are far more difficult to deal with than the surgery itself.

The brain is an amazing organ that ultimately defines who we are. It’s taken thousands of years to even begin to understand all of its complexities. While my tumor was located in a motor skill area, the surgery to remove it effected my entire nervous system, motor skills and emotions. After a year and a half, it should be easier and when I look back, it is easier. The battles have changed. The obvious effects have been addressed. I’ve relearned to walk and am getting used to the limp arm. Now, I have to go inside, deep inside, to relearn how to be the happy-go-lucky me I used to be.