Fighting the Feelings
Cancer is an incredibly powerful disease that effects far beyond the cancer itself. I’m lucky...really blessed...to have survived brain cancer. It was not a whole lot of fun but a poop load of doctors and I pulled it off. Since hearing “cancer free” I have made every attempt to be the same person I was before surgery and treatment but I am failing miserably.
Those who know me are fully aware that I’ve spent a great deal of my life partying my ass off, as is common in the world of music. I played guitar, bass, a little keyboard and could sit in behind the drums if a simple beat was enough. For 43 years I was in and out of bands and generally was the primary song writer, having penned over 300 original songs. I can’t carry a tune in a bucket but, none-the-less, I cut a solo CD in 2006, “The Poet,” that sold okay. My music is in Australia, the UK and Canada in addition to the US. I considered it my swan song and stopped my pursuit of making the cover of Rolling Stone for playing only for fun and myself. As years passed, playing became less frequent and my focus turned to writing a novel or two...or six.
Now, one would think that since I hardly played anymore, that the loss of the use of my left arm wouldn’t be a big deal. Well, one would be wrong. To quote REO Speedwagon, “I can’t fight these feelings anymore.” I am fighting a depression that is tearing me apart and losing the outlet of emotions that music provided me is devastating. It’s almost like my head is in a plastic bag and I’m struggling to find a breath.
A very good friend told me just the other day that I should allow a month of grieving for every year of my life as I had lived it. Wise words from a beautiful, true friend. Others don’t have the insight to understand and I hear, “Suck it up. There are people way worse off than you.” True and humbling but not one of those people is me. I can’t fight their fight anymore than they can fight mine.
I will defeat this. My mother didn’t raise a quitter. I just wish...I just wish...
