Dealing with Guilt
It seems like every day brings new challenges, new speed bumps, new emotions. Today, it appears guilt is raising its ugly head and staring me down. Most people don’t realize the reach that cancer has in a family, the destructive, devastating power it has that can put to the test the most loving of relationships.
When brain tumor surgery left me disabled, and a terrible fall risk, my whole world came crumbling down, dragging my partner with it. For months, I couldn’t be left alone but neither my insurance nor bank account could cover a full time Personal Care Assistant, much less a nurse. My partner was forced to leave her job and become an unpaid babysitter of the world’s biggest baby.
Prior to my diagnosis, I was the owner of a struggling but growing small online marketing company but, after the surgery and a month in inpatient rehab, one by one, my clients began dropping off. I hung on to hope for just about a year before I realized the time had come to begin again. I may have been winning the battle with cancer, but in the fight it beat me down but good. Unfortunately, my partner was an unwilling participant in our lives becoming completely unraveled.
Guilt ravages me despite all logic. I know I shouldn’t feel responsible for a health issue like a brain tumor. I did nothing to cause our lives to spin out of control, except to try to live through a rough, rough time. Knowing this and being able to do it are two entirely different things. When I see my partner filled with stress and fighting to keep us afloat, I struggle with guilt and a feeling of worthlessness. I went into all of this with guns blazing only to be left on the other side with no bullets and that is one of the biggest challenges I face everyday…inadequacy.
I write to drudge through my feelings and I publish this blog for a purpose: to reach out to others who might feel the same. Guilt is the last thing those of us suffering through brain and spinal cord tumors and cancers should feel but it creeps into our psyches and eats away at our confidence. I try my best to defuse those negative feelings by doing something to help. As I wrote this blog, I did the dishes and straightened up the kitchen. It doesn’t sound like much, but it helped me and my partner.
Always remember, the simple things do count and can go a long way to lighten the load.
