“Cancer Free”...Then What?

You would think after surgery, rehab and far too many rounds of various treatments, when you finally hear the words “cancer free” it would be great reason to celebrate and it is. I was recently told those exact words and was asked how I intended to celebrate. I had no answer. I had hoped to hear those words but when they came, I had no idea how to react. Much like “you have a brain tumor,” the words mean so much it's nearly impossible to wrap your head around them.

For so very long, I was in survival mode. I had to do what I had to do to kick cancer to the curb and that was my sole focus. Sure, I was going to rehab to learn how to live with the effects the surgery had left, but thinking past cancer never crossed my mind. I had enough to deal with today to worry about tomorrow. Now that tomorrow has arrived, my expectations to magically be back to normal fell short of the reality. I'm not sure what I was thinking...”cancer free” is far from “abracadabra.”

Now, after two months of cancer free existence, I am struggling to accept the visible scars that I will carry for the rest of my life. I struggle to answer the question “why,” as do many of my fellow brain and spinal cord tumor survivors and patients. (Guess what people? That unanswerable question will drive you nuts!) I've been told by many that I need to allow myself to grieve my losses but remember to celebrate the wins. I may have to type one handed but by doing so, I can share my hard earned knowledge with others who just might benefit and become a little bit stronger in their own similar struggles. There is a silver lining out there...somewhere.